Missionary Bishop

Wrestling with the devil

Being a missionary Bishop is hard work! Whilst at times there is tremendous joy, it is something akin to an emotional roller-coaster. The highs are very high – but the emotional lows are heart wrenchingly low. Last weekend I experienced something of an emotional, physical, and spiritual battle - unlike anything I had ever experienced before. Perhaps it was a perfect storm of circumstances, perhaps it was the devil's wiles, perhaps it was insufficient preparation for the task before me, I don’t know. Whatever the cause, I found myself feeling overwhelmed, almost overcome.

I was in the Parish of Port Berge, and while my time there was very positive, one particular night, in the wee hours of the morning, I was awakened with a deep sense of foreboding. I was overwhelmed by a feeling of inadequacy for the task I am trying to do. It was 39 degrees in my small room - it was unbearably hot. There was no electricity, and therefore no means of cooling down. No running water meant that I could not even take a cool shower. I was trying to sleep beneath a fly net, and while objectively I had plenty of space, I was feeling trapped - emotionally and spiritually.

The small room had no windows, and no breeze. It was filled with smoke from some locally provided substance which was to deter mosquitos, and therefore ward off any chance of contracting malaria. While the stench kept the mosquitos at bay, they did not stop small ants from crawling all over me. I cannot put into words the misery of the situation.

Perhaps I was on the verge of a panic attack, I don’t know, but I’ve never felt so trapped before. I was having trouble breathing, my heart rate was quickly increasing, and I knew that I had to get control of my body and emotions, or they would get the better of me. The weirdest sensation was that my episcopal ring was feeling very restrictive…almost like it was too small. The truth is, if anything, it is a little too big, so I knew that this feeling was either a part of my growing anxiety, or an outright attack of the devil.

I’m not what most people would describe as a charismatic, there is little about my spiritual temperament which gives itself to spiritual manifestations, however, I knew deeply that what I was experiencing was both physical and spiritual. I do believe in the presence and power of the Holy Spirit to help in times of need, and so I found myself calling out to God that the presence and power of Jesus would be with me to deliver me from the distress. My prayer, in this time of great need, was a mixture of the prayers learned from my evangelical childhood, and of my experience and formation in the catholic tradition of Anglicanism. I was crying out for both the Blood of Jesus, and the prayers of the saints! I found myself reciting over and over - “Blood of Jesus cover me, Jesu mercy - Mary pray!” Before you condemn me a heretic, I acknowledge that these were not perhaps the most theologically proper prayers, but they were as earnest as any prayers I’ve ever prayed. And they worked!!

Mercy of mercies, I began to calm down. My heart rate decreased, and I was beginning to sense that I was not alone, in fact I had a very deep sense that Jesus was with me. Not physically present, but spiritually by the power of the Holy Spirit. He was calming my heart. The task of being a missionary bishop was not my idea – it was His, and He was going to bring it to pass. Within an hour or so, while the situation had not changed (the heat, the smell, the bugs all remained) the panic and anxiety had gone! I drifted off, back to sleep.

I wondered if I should share this??!! I do so in the hope that, if you find yourself in a similar situation of anxiety, you might turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things (even the fears and anxieties) of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of his glory and grace.